Getting through the Loop-the-Loops
The loop-the-loops can feel a bit neverending, you know, the ones that make it hard for you to re-orient when they are finally done.
Today is one month after my lumpectomy. I have not been updating my journey quite the same in November as I did in September and October I know. Well, I’ve given myself a little pep talk (okay, might have been closer to a lecture) and I’m strapping back on the keyboard.
Sep and Oct were all about anticipation, learning, and getting prepared for surgery and treatments. I learned just how sloooooooowly that time can seem to go by - just like creeping up the first hill on a giant roller coaster. In October, I had surgery, but I also had my fundraiser which gave me a focus outside of myself. Once that ended, it’s been all about healing and healing is not as interesting as anticipation. Much of the time, it feels a bit more like whining than fighting hard in fact (pretty sure my family would agree 😊) . . .. it’s like the greyest of grey areas.
I told myself a month ago to “buckle up” and I was right. My last month has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster, one with unending loop-the-loops. The loops started out quick and weren’t that bad . . .. until they were. Started out with that climb of anticipation to surgery, then BAM, go home and wait. Pathology calls, BAM, we got it all, now wait some more for post-op and to schedule other appointments. Time to take the dressing off and can not wear the binder anymore, BAM, super-swelling is gonna stick around for a bit so need to keep taking it super easy. I could get around – slowly – and did okay keeping up with some writing. I met my deadline and got the bare minimum done, and BAM, I learned a lot about how many movements of the right arm rub against the right breast or pull a little on shared muscles. Dang, there are quite a few, and with the swelling and bruising, typing was uncomfortable let alone just about everything else.
If I stick with my roller coaster analogy, last week was when I should have started to feel things start to even out. I should have started to feel that last bump up to the little stretch before the station when you get off. Instead, there was a bit of a whip around and back to topsy-turvy; I started to have some drainage from my incision. Had another post-op appointment and Doc ended up doing an ultrasound to check the swelling. I had a big hematoma (which we could tell) and a pretty big area of seroma (fluid buildup). Ahhh, that was why I felt like I had little rocks in the lining of my bra poking at me every movement I made. I could wait longer for my body to reabsorb the fluids, which I admit sounded akin to self-flagellation at that point, or she could surgically drain it. I was opting toward surgery and then maybe this ride would even out some more again. Nope. BAM. COVID numbers spiked exponentially so it was unclear if this surgery would be considered priority enough to get space. I get it. Sucks, but it’s ok. I had buckled up tight for this ride after all.
The other aspect that keeps my bucket of hope filled is that after I get off this ride, I only have two rides left: radiation treatments and hormone therapy treatments. I got the bonus of clear margins from the first surgery, no spread, and no lymph node involvement, so I will not have to ride out chemo this time ‘round. While I feel like a jerk for feeling excited that I get to miss out of this superstar of chemo treatments, I’m finding that I can put that aside easier and easier every day, especially since the roller coaster I’m on seems to be quite a bit longer than advertised in the queue. BAM. Not quite done with the loops. Nature decided that COVID did not get to be in control and gave me a ticket to the front of the line by starting to drain consistently through an opening in my incision. It was time. My body was not having any of this waiting around business. Wheeeeeeeee ….. right?
I was relieved to be having surgery since it meant that the pain might ease. I did not have an infection, so things could have been much worse for sure, but this did mean another surgery. My incision was fully opened and the whole area irrigated – cancer is not for wimps you know! It also meant that BAM, I was back to “recovery mode”. I felt a little like we had rushed right through the loading station and no one let me get off.
Today, is day four of second post-op and one month from first post-op. The loop-the-loops are feeling a bit neverending, you know, the kind of loops that make it hard for you to re-orient when they are finally done. Back to holding down the couch and moving at a snail’s pace to keep movements from not bumping my breast or pulling on a muscle at all…back to my stomach resetting after anesthesia and pain meds and sleeping like crud (I’m a side-sleeper and this whole staying on your back thing - grrr!).
Today, I wanted to scream, “I am ready to re-orient myself darn it”! I had to remind myself that every day gets a little closer to the end of this ride. Tomorrow will be better; I can handle today. Then I can handle all those that come next.